There is no escaping the array of red roses, hearts, chocolates and the endless emails and adverts suggesting what to give your loved one on the 14th February.
Love it or hate it – Valentines Day comes around every year and our attitude towards it depends very much on our personal circumstances. I thought this month, rather than focus on how many roses you may or may not get, use the date to look at who you are in relationships.
One of my key drivers for wanting to coach women was seeing too many not knowing their self worth, especially in their relationships. I am a firm believer that relationships are about equality – not measured in income, but in respect.
I find it sad that many women lose themselves in relationships. This happens as a result of not being true to ourselves as to what we want, and trying to change to suit the other person, as we think this will make them happy. The opposite is what actually creates strong relationships – being honest and authentic, and most importantly brave enough to know your worth and to not change to suit another, but to only improve as a result of being in that relationship.
One and one at the very least needs to add up to two. Relationships require constant effort and energy to keep them alive and thriving so why enter into a life long commitment that isn’t going to enhance your life?
The March edition of Psychologies magazine highlights some key points, which I thought, were worth sharing when it comes to being in a relationship. So whether you are married, in a long term relationship or single, think about the points below and if you don’t have anyone to buy you flowers on the big heart love day then buy your own – at least you will get exactly what you want and see it as a gift of love to yourself.
You don’t need another to complete you if you remember the following:
- Be Authentic – don’t pretend to be someone else.
- Bring romance to your friendships – enjoy your friends more so the focus isn’t just on your relationship.
- Bring friendship to your romances – take the pressure off by just having fun as you would with any friend.
- Meditate/pray – what ever your belief system, by spending time alone or in prayer you will discover that you have enough love within you and you don’t need to look for it in another.
- Forgive – don’t bring baggage from the past into the present as it is only destructive and prevents you from moving forward to the happiness you deserve.
A friend once said to me – ‘be true to yourself and you will have the happiness you deserve’. I have never forgotten those words as it was only when I was happy in myself that I started honouring my self worth and that was when I met my husband. Love really is out there for all of us to have and to hold.
Wise words Hilbre. I now follow the manta : Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in the world. (Lucille Ball)
Also a little tip for Valentines Day if you are single or in a relationship ( this also works for your Birthday) – don’t set yourself up to be disappointed or let down- treat yourself, pamper yourself buy your own red roses or whatever floats your boat- celebrate the love you need for yourself and nature.
Elizabeth you have reminded us all of something great – don’t look for love and reinforcement in others. We all have the resources to make ourselves feel special so as you say – don’t set yourself up for disappointment when it comes to days like Valentines or Birthdays – treat yourself.
I love buying myself flowers and I do this every week and I never think ‘oh my husband should be doing this’ as I genuinely love going in to florists and having the ability to choose and arranging my own flowers – it is a weekly gift to myself and I wouldn’t have it any other way (I think my husband is also quite relieved that I like doing this).
SO true, Hilbre, about the losing oneself in a relationship and we women tend to do it a lot – men do it too, but not nearly as often. Time to reflect gives you space from a relationship and the self-knowledge to be your own person in a relationship, which should benefit the relationship in the long run – if it’s not then maybe it’s time to talk with one another. I also think that forgiveness is very important, both in terms of letting go of baggage and in terms of being accommodating of one another’s idiosyncracies.
I read a quote on someone’s Facebook wall recently and thought it very true: “Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.” A reminder that we are none of us perfect and yet someone loves us, so we should love ourselves too and return that person’s love in as accepting a manner as possible – it’s about being kind and mindful, I guess.
I’m not a Valentine’s Day person simply because, in my opinion, love is not something that can be marketed and I find the rampant commercialism, the Hallmark-ness of it all, rather off-putting. That said, a day to remind people that there is a special someone in their lives isn’t all bad and I do appreciete a simple card or note from my husband on the day – or better yet a specially prepared meal – but the rest doesn’t do it for me.
I recently read an interview with Helen Mirren, who feels much the same way as me apparently, in which she said that she believed that it was more important to show appreciation of the person you love every day – in the way you talk to them, in the way you behave towards them and in remembering what matters to them apropos of nothing. I couldn’t have summed it up better myself.
Linda I love your quote ‘Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person’ as we are all imperfect as you say. I also agree wholeheartedly with your view on Valentines day so hope you have a special meal together tonight.