I was recently at a social event where a woman asked me how many children I had. She just assumed that I had children. When I told her I didn’t have any she looked very awkward and quickly went off to talk to someone else who I can only assume had children. (It isn’t just women I might add, my husband says he gets the same reaction from other men when they ask him about children).
I thought it was very interesting, as she clearly felt uncomfortable after finding out that I wasn’t a mother. For me, women are made up of so many facets, motherhood being one aspect of us, so why do so many mothers find it uncomfortable to relate to women who have not had children? After all, we were all childless at one point.
There is often the assumption that to be child free is a negative situation and that all non-mothers secretly yearn to be mothers. While this may well be true for a lot of women who were not able to fall pregnant, there is a vast majority out there who have actively chosen to remain child free.
Research has shown that birth trends in the developed world have changed considerably since the 1990’s. Below is a quote from an article which appeared in The Telegraph in June 2009:-
The proportion of those who are without children has almost doubled since the 1990s – and pursuing professional careers is a key factor, suggesting it is now a lifestyle choice.
Single women are five times less likely to have children than married ones, while those cohabiting are almost twice as likely to stay childless, the Office for National Statistics research reveals.
Here is the link to the rest of the article:
Therefore to have children or not to have children shouldn’t be a conversation killer. Next time any of you talk to a woman who hasn’t had children, and you think she is of an age where she clearly should be having children, ask her something else about her life – you might find yourself pleasantly surprised by what she tells you.
Hi, will definitely consider what you said, although I don’t think it is just childless woman who are in situations like what you have mentioned. As a full time mother and loving it with no regrets, my husband works in the corporate environment. Exact opposite life. He in fast pace London, myself in a country side village. The times that we do move into each other’s world, we do not fit the profile of either life. Colleagues asks in what area of banking I am working and parents ask my husband about school runs and kids activities.
The answers to these two questions make people turn around and awkwardly walk away as they think they do not have anything in common to talk about. The issue here I agree is to accept that person with his or her decisions as they would you.
Hi Fran, thanks so much for offering another perspective on what I know is often a one way view. You are right though, mothers can definitely feel ‘looked down upon’ by career focused women or men. The message is definitely that no matter what our situations are regarding our daily jobs, we should take an interest in each other’s worlds.
A great post as, for once, it just states things with no judgement offered – something that seldom happens. This issue is so emotive and people, with and without children, offer opinions that are in fact judgements.
As a woman first and foremost I have often found that women as a group, fuelled often by fleetingly read items in the media or society’s expectations, do not support and accept each other nearly enough.
Yes, I am a wife and a mother, but I am also an intelligent, discerning individual with my own thoughts and dreams. However, society, particularly in the world that my husband inhabits, tends to view me as an extension of my husband and child. Am I comfortable with this limited and, let’s be honest, prejudiced attitude? Not at all, but I have come to realise that it’s the other person’s problem, not mine, a fact that is very hard to process as we women are programmed to blame ourselves and accommodate others idiosyncracies rather than stand our ground (in a kind and confident way).
My own experience, both in terms of marriage and motherhood, has been educational as I came late to both and that am fine with that being the way my life has unfolded. What has surprised me is how it unsettles others when one doesn’t “follow the rules”. It’s almost incredible how many unsolicited comments I have encountered, from being dealt unsolicited “advice” about having left it too late without knowing if, a) I wanted children, or, b) whether I was having difficulty conceiving (the latter not being the business of a random person, admittedly). I’ve even had the “an only child is a lonely child” lecture from people who don’t stop to think that a much-wanted 2nd child has never arrived and I’ve come to accept this, even if it isn’t what I’d hoped for.
I’ve encountered, more times than I care to count, the shutters that clang down over people’s eyes as soon as they realise I’m not currently working and, annoyingly, it’s both men and women who do this to one. Conversely I’ve also encountered, more times than I care to count, the women who can only talk children and their husband’s careers (possibly this is endemic to the world related to my husband’s career as they are the women I’m most exposed to outside of my own friends) and I find them even harder to deal with than the shutter-people because I feel like I’m never getting to know who they are in their own right (but maybe that’s my prejudice?).
The list is endless but it all serves to illustrate that no one is what we assume based on superficial indicators, and if someone chooses a particular way of life they should be respected for their honesty and self-knowledge/acceptance, not judged or given unsolicited, uninformed lectures about not following the accepted norm. Brava for being you, Hilbre!